It’s always complicated interacting with parts of yourself that used to define you and no longer do. I find it especially difficult when that part intersects with what you imagined your life to be.
Recently, I have been trying to apply the reality of age to that sensation. When I engage with or come across something that reminds me of a younger version of myself that I feel sorrow for, disappointed in, or upset by, I ground myself in the time that has gone by and the gift that distance provides.
We are stronger than yesterday1. We are stronger because of yesterday. Tomorrow's promise is just that. By moving forward in time, by choosing tomorrow, we guarantee growth.
So, if I am standing in a moment that feels impossible, I can thank and send love to previous versions of myself that made the now more manageable. I can call out my strength, whether it’s maturity, intelligence, general life experience, or whatever.
It’s just a perspective. It’s imperfect, and it certainly doesn’t work all the time. However, I’ve found it helps me feel less anxious, insecure, and depressed and more understanding, patient, kind, and proud.
For the past three years, I have used October and Halloween as an excuse to watch a lot of “scary” movies and judge them. It isn’t a hard and fast tradition; it’s flexible and adapts to how October feels and my needs at the time. Generally, I try to watch movies I haven’t seen before (although it didn’t matter this year), and I try to mix in classics. Here are the newsletters from 2022 and 2023 to see how it has changed and either lived up to or failed the rules.
Somehow, this year, there are a lot of movies! Below is a key for identifying special characteristics for the viewing of each movie. This is the first year I went to the theater, rewatched a few, and saw some alone (I usually watch with my partner).
•*The Witches of Eastwick (1987) - I have repeatedly gone on record about my strong dislike for Jack Nicholson. So, I had feelings going into this. However, this movie has Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon, and Cher, and it has this freaky, amazing ending. 10 stars.
•*Psycho (1960) - Seeing this in a theater pumped me up! Norman Bates, mommy taxidermy, and some 60’s queerness.
*MaXXXine (2024) - Z and I watched X and Pearl earlier this year. This was a glossy, sequined conclusion.
^Ready or Not (2019) - I’ve seen this movie multiple times. It’s a real romp. I like the strength of the main character, and the ending is excessive in a good way.
^Coraline (2009) - Really weird & interesting visuals. Who doesn’t love stop-motion and baby Dakota Fanning?
*Eyes Without a Face (1960) - This is the only foreign-language movie we watched. It was very good. I’m inspired to add more to the list next year.
^It Chapter One (2017) - I still watch the beginning through my fingers! Also - there is a part later in the movie that involves a projector that fucks me up!
^It Chapter Two (2019) - Solid sequel with actors that really feel like the child actors grown up.
*The Birds (1963) - Now I understand why my mother was so scared of crows when I was a kid.
+*Misery (1990) - Hell yeah, Kathy Bates. She talks about winning the Oscar for this role in this interview clip.
*Wait Until Dark (1967) - Audrey Hepburn, but make it thriller-y.
^The Babadook (2014) - At this point, it’s a classic. Z had never seen it, so it felt like it was time.
*I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) - I love Sarah Michelle Geller.
*Signs (2002) - An argument for leaving your water cups strewn about the house.
*Psycho (1998) - I mean…okay. Did it need to be made? No. But Vince Vaughn is kinda hot as Norman Bates.
*Love Lies Bleeding (2024) - I wanted to love this more. As a queer woman, I was ready to feel hot and heavy! Instead, I just felt like shrugging my shoulders.
^Vampires Suck (2010) - Lol.
*Interview with the Vampire (1994) - I’m sorry! But Tom Cruz nearly ruined this whole movie for me.
*Eraserhead (1977) - Again, sorry! I found this boring and disjointed.
+*The Visit (2015) - Ageist.
*Underworld (2003) - Kate Beckinsale is very attractive, but if I had to choose a vampire world, I would not choose this one.
*Trap (2024) - Sometimes I think M. Night Shyamalan has an idea and then just makes it a movie. I think he could scale it back.
*Terrifier (2015) - I know people out there were swept up by the Terrifier franchise, but I found this painful to watch. The acting was rough, and the gory was visceral. One star for practical effects.
“Their dicks get limp when confronted by a woman of obvious power, and what do they do about it? Call them witches, burn them, torture them until every woman is afraid. Afraid of herself... afraid of men... and all for what? Fear of losing their hard-on.” - Daryl Van Horne, The Witches of Eastwick (1987)
Yes, I am also thinking about and singing Stronger by Britney Spears.