Matthew Perry died in October, on the 28th, while I was in Iceland on my honeymoon. I hate to say it, but this one got me.
I moved to San Diego in 1999 from England when I was five. The first two songs I remember hearing on the radio were It Wasn't Me by Shaggy and Every Morning by Sugar Ray. My mum would spray Sun-In on my hair, and I would ride around on my Chariot in our culdesac. I became freckled and golden.
But the first few years were also weird. It was hard to let go of everything I had in England and adjust to life in America. It lodged a feeling of displacement and otherness in my chest.
I was voted most quiet in my second-grade class and often referred to as shy. In third grade, it deepened. Report cards from that time are marked with notes from my teacher expressing concern over my perceived loneliness, my inability to mesh with the other girls, my sadness, and my tough time with schoolwork. There are confirmations from my mother and brainstorms for an earnest solution scrawled down in ink.
My diaries from the time only contribute to this sad little me. I write about feeling lonely, missing England, missing my friends, and, oddly enough, my love of TV and the TV room.
I loved Friends. I started watching it when we moved and watched new episodes as it aired weekly (starting at Season 7). On Thursdays, my dad would pick me up from dance. We would go to the fish and chips spot for takeout, I would drink an Orangina as we waited, and then we would head home for dinner and Friends.
Rachel was my favorite.
I loved how organized and clean Monica was.
I loved the nonsense and confidence in Phoebe.
Joey was cute but over my head.
I liked Chandler for his humor and regularness.
I did not like Ross.
Yes, I am not alone in being influenced by Friends.
I used to fear how much this show impacted my personality and choices when first adapting to America. I would notice similarities between my inflection, jokes, and body language and the characters in Friends.
In third grade, I told my teacher Friends was my favorite show, and she promptly told my parents that the show was inappropriate and that I should cease watching it. But it could not be stopped. My parents didn’t mind, and eventually, I owned every season on DVD. After I got my own computer, I stayed up late watching episode after episode, listening intently for the click of my mother's ankles to shut it off quickly.
Basically, it deeply influenced me, and I found great solace in Friends. It affected my personhood and helped me traverse a time when I felt lonely and broken. Every character, plot point, joke, special guest, laugh track, and transition song between scenes buoyed me.
When Matthew Perry was reported dead, I thought of all those hours I spent watching Friends. I thought of how Chandler told jokes, committed to the bit, supported Joey, and loved Monica. I thought about how he navigated commitment, self-esteem, and effort. All of which impacted me.
So, goodbye and thank you to Matthew Perry. I will always appreciate the role you played on national television and how it helped shape and carry me through. RIP, love Courtney.
HOT – Good Soup. When dogs do a big, long stretch that ends in a sploot. 30th birthdays. Bath season! Going to therapy forever. Crisp dollar bills. Girls with bangs. Warm bread.
NOT – The audacity of men. 26th birthdays. Stripped screws. Cold toes that will never warm up! Wishing you could move. The sound of your own doorbell. Not enough oat milk in the carton. Mean parents.
“How wild it was to let it be.” - Cheryl Strayed, Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail
It was just me this month. I read the poem from the November 1st newsletter and talked a little bit about what poetry used to mean to me as a teenager. I went back through the scary movies my partner and I watched and judged, and re-judged. I also talked through the books I have finished from Listed. You can listen to the episode on Apple, Spotify, and Substack.
Thank you for sharing your heart Courtney 🥺