I stood outside & immediately felt better

Taking notes from my inner child and forever fangirling my friends

When I was younger, my mum used to say, “if I don’t look worried, then you don’t need to be worried.” This was helpful because if anything seemed not right, ungood, or tense, I would just look at her and analyze her facial expression and tone. If she wasn’t worried, I didn’t need to worry.

It was genuinely a good tool for a while. As a small sensitive thing, everything seemed like it could be worried about, and this process provided a quelling to that sensation.

Eventually, it stopped working though. I started to feel more critical. And the proof began to collect–these moments when I felt worried, afraid, sad, or down and I would look to my mum to see if this was the emotion I should feel but not see it reflected. So, I would turn it off, shut it down, and realign.

Obviously, this builds absolutely terrible habits.

I love my intuition, and I believe in it. It is strong. And when I review my past intuitions, they kind of went how I thought they would.

So, I have been thinking about how to extricate this mummy mantra. I do not want to play my emotions off of someone else. I want to feel my feelings, continue learning how to identify them and let them free. It is hard shit. Therapy shit. Everyday work shit. I am so used to seeking emotional and verbal approval that it can be debilitating and overwhelming when it super bubbles up. And when I push against it, I can feel it like a strong current trying to pull me the other way to get approval.

I am trying my best not to excuse my mum here. It could go without saying that she had the best intentions, wanted to soothe me, and positioned herself as the lead to pull the weight off of my baby brain. It could go without saying, but I’m not there yet, and I’m too scared.

So, here I go, trying to feel my feelings, say my words, trust my intuition, and be a solid individual.

Sangria from Bar Bruce in my right hand, coffee from Palm Grove Social in my left hand, and challah from challahdad in my lap. Fully stacked!

HOT – Reptile brain. When children name the family pet. Being told you are lovable. Matching the breathing pattern of your partner. Lush, green hills. Familect. Dedicating time to your inner child. Drinking a glass of water in the bathtub.

NOT – Junk mail. Cold hotel pools. Overhead lighting. Not knowing what to wear. The sudden feeling that your nails are too long and you have to cut them, but you don’t have clippers nearby. Sand in your pockets after going to the beach. Everything bagel seeds ending up everywhere. The smell of eggs.

I thought it would be nice to share some talents my friends have that I love, get to enjoy, and feel proud of.

For graphic design - My friend Caitlin Conlen creates. Caitlin helped create and shape She’s Friendly into how it appears today. She also helped my sister and me with Orchyd, our period-tracking app.

For yoga and astrology - My friend Anna Hull offers ground + space.

Anna and I met in Tel Aviv during a Gaga Workshop. I swear there is a pic of us embracing at the end of the program, but I lost all my photos from that time when my old computer crashed.

For handmade clothes - My friend Sam Ives created Maker & Mineral.

Old pic, old life. Sam custom-made Chloë and I half n half jumpsuits for “Bloodline" at ODC Studio B. Photo by Stephen Texeira Photography.

For photos - My friend Amber Maalouf captures.

This is a sheet from our engagement photoshoot. It was fun and weird and relaxed. We are planning to make this into a lil tradition.

For wine - My friend Isabella Morano made Isa Wines.

Model behavior! Izzy used to send me a photo of her breakfast every morning for like three years in a row. It was almost always oatmeal.

“Most of us are haunted by the sense there's something ‘wrong’ or ‘missing’ in our lives--that we're sacrificing far more of ourselves than other people in order to get by and receiving far less in return.” - Devon Price, Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity

Jolene loves light beer.