Recently, my dad told me that the past versions of himself are dead. He is the current, present version and nothing else. He described joy and gratitude in this knowledge. He went on to say that he was happy that I was the current me, relieved my past was in the past, and that he loved me now.
We had been talking, me, him, and my partner, after a long dinner out. I was sober, very tired, and sensitive. Considering the history my dad and I share and my state, this hurt my feelings and made me feel like he didn’t love me. The conversation concluded softly, but it made me think.
I don’t hold the same belief. For better or for worse, I believe we are every version of ourselves all the time. This is what makes us so lovely, changeable, tender, and hard. Our past selves are hidden in the brain, skin, bone, blood, and poetic in-betweens. They do not need to be awake or in control, but they inform how we are. I think of it as an archive of self and prefer to be mindful of others and my own because I believe it leads to deeper loving.
HOT – “Hacking” perfectionism. Picking up your favorite person and feeling the weight of their body. Claire Danes cry face. Thick dollops of frosting. Aging. Adjusting to get more comfortable. Closing your eyes. Making wishes. Doll furniture. This fragrance!
NOT – Not knowing how to end a conversation that feels too vulnerable. Comparing yourself to your exes. Confusing leadership arrangements that harm communication. Confirmation bias. Forgetting to wash the conditioner out of your hair. Lace underwear from 2007. That feeling when you play your favorite song in front of someone who is judgey, so you question your entire music taste. The cost of haircuts. Wet books. The position you sometimes need to get into to simply cut your toenails.
These are all of the audiobooks, books, and podcasts I have consumed over the last seven weeks while receiving TMS therapy. They are in order of most loved and affected by to least, but all of them were very good!
Audiobook: Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. I’m considering getting the physical copy of this to refer back to. I appreciated the simple yet in-depth breakdown of emotions and experiences. I left this book feeling like I could hold and identify more sensations. It made me feel stronger.
Audiobook: What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry. It surprised me how much I gained from this book. My favorite part was the beginning when Dr. Perry spoke about the layers of the brain and trauma.
Podcast: Angel on Top. Z and I just started watching Angel, the spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Honestly, I thought this show would be trash, but I love it. And my Buffy joy has been replenished!
Book: Adios, Cowboy by Olja Savicevic. Beautiful, eerie, poetic.
Audiobook: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. I listened to this after Atlas of the Heart, so maybe it was the wrong way around, but I liked the pieces of this that got into shame. I’ll probably re-read it.
Book: Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin. I read Last Words from Montmartre in 2014; in comparison, this read was more angsty but still quite sad.
Audiobook: The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler. Getting into this one was a little challenging, but it was easier to grab on after I took the “Perfectionist Profile” quiz.
Audiobook: The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor. This book felt familiar, but unfortunately, I didn’t really feel my self-love increase.
“Being a victim of oppression in the United States is not enough to make you revolutionary, just as dropping out of your mother's womb is not enough to make you human. People who are full of hate and anger against their oppressors or who only see Us versus Them can make a rebellion but not a revolution. The oppressed internalize the values of the oppressor. Therefore, any group that achieve power, no matter how oppressed, is not going to act differently from their oppressors as long as they have not confronted the values that they have internalized and consciously adopted different values.” - Grace Lee Boggs
