A crisp new year
Mental health, yarn, and claiming emotion
Content warning: suicidal ideation, self-harm
Prologue: How do you identify your emotions? In what way do you dwell when selecting how you are feeling? And, when you want to communicate that, how do you start the sentence? I have been feeling less exact, and it is hard to sit with. Although I am critical of the binary, I value making a choice. And being unsure of how I am feeling, what I want, the trajectory I am on is frustrating.
I’m not sure I do enough for my mental health. I worry about thoroughly caring for my mind. It is infinite.
I have been in and out of talk therapy for 11 years. I have had more than ten therapists. I can remember the ones that were good, that said things, listened, gave me tools. I can remember the ones that were so off. Unlistening, misremembering details about me, trying to convert me. I have had two psychiatrists; health insurance makes it a lil tough to be picky. I have tried a lot of prescriptions and am okay with where I am, but the process nearly crushed me.
When I was 16, I started wanting to die. I felt like it was the right thing to do, and for a long time after was disappointed I didn’t take the necessary steps to make that happen. I still get pangs. I think it is my vessel, and I’m scared I will feel the way I do all the time, forever.
But it’s an interesting example of not making a choice because it becomes a choice.
And ultimately, I am grateful to be alive, awake, open, and aware. I love having memories. I love thinking about who I love. I love remembering eating, dancing, crushing, tripping. But I want to love myself, and I want to be present without sadness interrupting.
In January, I am trying something new. I will be doing TMS. I’m hopeful and skeptical. We will just see what's on the other side.
Anyway, thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing in my vulnerability.
Happy precious new year.
HOT – Crying while watching “Meet Joe Black.” Roast chicken. Brené Brown. Revisiting the things you said you like but haven’t engaged with for a while. Vibrators! Spotify Wrapped. Releasing your jaw, relaxing your head, and dropping your shoulders. 70’s John Travolta. Full-length mirrors. Self-Compassion.
NOT – Fast-growing nails. Scrunchies with poor elasticity. Spotify Wrapped. Expired antibiotic cream. Being thirsty in the middle of the night. Bitcoin :'(. When you get mouth cuts from eating chips. Sticky dust. Overhearing gossip. Multiple trips to the car when you have a lot of bags and items to bring in.
In an effort to feel time, below is a list of what I feel were accomplishments from this past year.
Completed Marketing for Weirdos with Bear Hebert.
Joined a book club at Junior High. My fav book was Olga Dies Dreaming by Xochitl Gonzalez.
Found a dance class I like in LA (Ground Grooves). Floorwork!
Bought the jeans I wanted.
Changed my hair a bunch. Making my way back to brunette.
Tried mushrooms. TBH I cried and had huge sadness the first time but felt calm and fine the second time.
Started working out with weights. Ongoing thanks to the Nike Training Club app for keeping me “fit.”
Made my bed almost every day.
Sent my first newsletter ;)
Made 29 punch needle coasters for my family
“Additionally, we have compelling research that shows that language does more than just communicate emotion, it can actually shape what we’re feeling. Our understanding of our own and others’ emotions is shaped by how we perceive, categorize, and describe emotional experiences—and these interpretations rely heavily on language.” - Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience
